Mask out.

I'm here, once again, blogging out all my feelings and emotions because I feel that this is my last hope for now. Well, how's everybody doing so far?

It sucks. To be me. Why? There's so many reasons and practically everything seems like I am the cause of everything.
I'm tired. I'm tired of faking a smile in school, at home and even when I'm outside. I'm tired. At the fact that everybody seems to be happy, whereas I'm the only one who isn't able to join them, having fun, laughing at everything, doing fun stuffs together. I'm tired. When someone says "Forget it, this wouldn't work out" or "Your feelings are fake. Just stop it." Here I am, fighting the urge to shout at them because I know what I'll get is just nasty remarks and negative comments. I wanna tell them, "This is true, and even if it isn't seems like it, I wanna make it true. I wanna make her feel happy. I want to heal her wounds. I want to let her to be able to bring out that lovely goddamn smile on her face again. I want to let her heart recover. I don't want her to face any more stress, pressure anything. I wanna make her the happiest girl on earth. I don't like to see her sad, it breaks me apart. I don't like to see her stress, because I've no idea what I can do to help her, because I know she isn't. I don't like to see her sad, because I know she's one happy girl that I used to know 2yrs back. I want to see the real her. I don't want to see her putting masks on every single day, and fighting the urge to break down any moment when she has all the rights to." Does anyone know this? I bet no one does.

It sucks, because no matter how many times I say "I'll be there for you", it doesn't seem like it. I suck, because it's so hard for me to express my emotions. It sucks, because I'm too scared that I'll worsen her situation when all I really want is to help her lessen it. It sucks, because at certain point of time all I wanna do is to give her long tight hug and tell her that "everything's gonna be fine", yet I've no courage to. It sucks, because I'm tired of faking a smile everyday and hoping that by smiling, she'll feel better. It sucks........ Because I know deep down she isn't even happy, at all.

All I wanna do is to be her guardian angel. To be able to pull myself together this time round, and being there for her when she needs someone to turn to, talk to, a listening ear and a shoulder she could lie on. All these is so true and I truthfully just want her to be happy..

This thick mask is collating. Every single day I put on a piece of it, and I feel like a pro in acting like everything's fine. But infact, it isn't....